A Title of the Gods

Thanks to Roy’s new book I’m filling in my country music lacunae.
One such is that I never knew “If I Said, 'You Have a Beautiful Body,' Would You Hold It Against Me” is an actual song. But then again, because I didn’t know it was an actual song, I didn’t know it was an actual bad song, so perhaps it’s a wash. The Bellamy Brothers took the line and made it into a song about getting around small talk, set to a cheesy L.A.-Vegas-Hawaii mishmash of the early eighties. Billy Ocean could have sung it. Or Jimmy Buffett. Or Warren Buffett, for that matter.
Here are some more of the lyrics. Bear in mind, nothing can approach the brilliancy of the title (by the way, “Bare In Mind” would be a good one, too), but still.

If I said “You have a beautiful body,” would you hold it against me?
If I swore you were an angel would you treat me like a devil tonight?
If I was dying of thirst, would your flowing love come quench me?
If I said “You have a beautiful body,” would you hold it against me?

Now we could talk all night about the weather
Could tell ya about my friends out on the coast
I could ask a lot of crazy questions
Or ask you what I really wanna know.

If I said…

Now rain can fall so soft against a window
Sun can shine so bright up in the sky
But daddy always told me, “Don’t make small talk.”
He said, “Come on out and say what’s on your mind.”

If I said…

See what I mean? It really ought to be about someone living with a partner who has a skewed body image.
Or about picking up someone at:
Anorexics (or Overeaters) anonymous
A Bench Press in the Gym
A Prosthesis Convention
I’m just saying.

So: Fix the tune to at least make the cheesiness more ironic; change the setting to do justice to the double meaning; and, finally, rhyme with “against.” If you set yourself a challenge like that, at least give it a try, rather than bailing out with “quench.” I’m sure something like, “You kept saying you’re ugly, and, lordy, how that incensed me” might work.
Just an idea.