Madge Monday

Madge has been delightful lately, so I don’t really have any good Madge things to relate.
She recently scrounged together twenty dollars so she could buy herself a computer game. I have more coins now than I know what to do with. So I put them in the “shouting” jar, something we instituted so the kids would feel a monetary pain for whenever they raise their voices, but it turns out that Julie and I now can no longer afford any non-necessities. The coins started off in the shouting jar, but Coco took them out and recycled them to Madge’s piggy bank, so I have no idea where the cash is right now.
I’m sure it’s redolent of some sort of governmental fiscal scheme, but I’m not sure which.

“Redolent,” jeez. See what happens when Julie’s out of town for a few days?

Here’s something else I’d never say when I have her to talk me down from my flights of cleverness:
I just hope our jolie fille sans s’il-vous-plait doesn’t turn into a belle dame sans merci.

But there you go. Have fun figuring out what I’m trying to say.

headlines

Making the Return Trip: Elderly Head Back North
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/26/us/26seniors.html?ref=us

Cheney Warns Pakistan to Act on Terror
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/26/world/asia/26cnd-pakistan.html?ref=world

Making the Return Trip: Elderly Head Back North.
For the first time since the Depression, the flow of the elderly has reversed (from the South, that is. The article mentions no Zombies).
Cheney Warns Pakistan to Act on Terror.
He might be the reason. “We told you. If you keep it up, we’ll turn this car around. Now move over, sonny. Time to fix this puppy.”

the n word

In our house, apparently, it's "nap."

This, by the way, is Julie's joke. Or at least that's where I heard it first. But, since it sounds pretentious to quote other people's punchlines, I'll just appropriate it. It's in our marriage contract anyway. "Paragraph 293: All insightful or humorous comments shall fall under joint proprietorship upon utterance and memorization, however faulty."

This is followed by "Paragraph 294: Any and all statements, however faultily remembered, may be dragged out in future arguments as proof of numbscullness."
However, as you may or may not remember, in our Bill of Marital Rights, "Amendment 2: Arguments spice up a dull evening, but might cause long-term damage. So, if you happen to be the male party of the undersigned, think twice and then shut up anyway."

post-neurologist post

Went to the neurologist yesterday. Everything seems fine.
But, man, poor Coco. He steeled himself on the subway ride, in order to get through the EEG. Then, when they asked him if he wants to sit or lay down, he chose laying down and hopped on the bed and put his head on the towel.
Then, when they were starting to put the wired on his head, his eyes got red and filled with moisture and he started rubbing them and said, “The sun’s too bright.
And so we find ourselves in another parenting dilemma. On the one hand, man, what a brave little kid; he’s only four and already has quite a grip on his emotions. On the other hand, poor guy; he’s only four and already has quite a grip on his emotions.
But, like I said, the visit went fine. Nothing showed up on the EEG and he conversed with the neurologist and on his next visit he’ll just be talking with her, no EEG. Yay.
Then, and I’m not sure what got into us, we went to Chuck E. Cheese on the way home. I had never been before. The kids had been with a foolhardy babysitter who realized that the whole situation was scary and abandoned ship. Very intelligently, she took them to Target for a quick bribe and then took them back home. But, because of this babysitter, we had quite a few game tokens left over and the kids really wanted to go.
And, quite frankly, if a kid doesn’t have seizures in that place, I don’t know what will set them off. I think if you’d pump Eeyore (the lethargic donkey from Winnie the Pooh) full of valium and sent him through that climbing tube (which Coco couldn’t get enough of), even he would convulse.

Headlines write themselves

46 Nations Call for Cluster Bomb Ban
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/world/AP-Norway-Cluster-Bombs.html?hp

Springtime for Hit’s End: ‘The Producers’ to Close
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/23/theater/23prod.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

46 Nations Call for Cluster Bomb Ban.
The bombs inflict ''unacceptable harm'' on civilians, particularly children.
Springtime for Hit’s End: ‘The Producers’ to Close.
Tony Danza inflicts ''unacceptable harm'' on civilians, particularly children.

future ceo headlines

Korean Men Use Brokers to Find Brides in Vietnam.
Would the brokers make more if they got a percentage of the brides’ future alimony?
Admissions Jockeying Starts Earlier in New York.
With the competition for mail-order brides stiffening, you can’t get started soon enough.

headlines

Britain to Cut 1,600 Troops in Iraq, Blair Says
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/21/world/middleeast/21cnd-blair.html?hp

Many Episcopalians Wary, Some Defiant After Ultimatum by Anglicans
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/21/us/21episcopal.html

Britain to Cut 1,600 Troops in Iraq, Blair Says.
Somehow the party isn’t as fun as they originally thought.
Many Episcopalians Wary, Some Defiant After Ultimatum by Anglicans.
Just watch out, in case 1,600 enforcers arrive to counter Episcopalian permissiveness.

Coco, belated

All I have to do is pay attention, really, and I get Coco tidbits. Here's one, if a little late.

When Coco said, "I'm just helping him take a bath," he was responding to which statement of mine?
a) Baci doesn't go in the dishwasher.
b) Where are you taking the shampoo?
c) Don't lick the cat.

headlines

For Fox’s Rivals, ‘American Idol’ Remains a ‘Schoolyard Bully’

Trial Spotlights Cheney’s Power as an Infighter

For Fox’s Rivals, ‘American Idol’ Remains a ‘Schoolyard Bully’
Audiences love the Seven Deadly Sins set to Karaoke.
Trial Spotlights Cheney’s Power as an Infighter.
If only he’d attempt to sing, then we’d have a winner.*

*The advertising revenue from his show could easily finance the anti-insurgency.

Coco Tuesday

Really more of a Madge thing than a Coco thing, but they’re both involved.
Whenever there are subtitles in a movie, for example when Jabba the Hut is talking or when daddy has the crazy idea that the kids might enjoy a Buster Keaton short, Madge reads the subtitles aloud, for Coco.
I have no idea whether he pays attention or not, but I find the whole thing very sweet.

Speaking of sweet. I was on the Subway on Sunday and, as it pulled into the Grand Street Station, the conductor called out “Gung Hay Fat Tsoy” (or however you want to transliterate it), followed by “Happy Chinese New Year.”
It’s amazing how a small thing like that can light up the faces of hundred of strangers.

Madge Monday

Poor Madgie seems sick today, on her day off.
But here’s something she did last week. In school they’re doing math with decimals, and they’re approaching it by play-acting a diner or restaurant.
The amounts listed were something along the order of 91 cents for a cheeseburger, 26 cents for a falafel.
Then Madge came home and made up her own menu, and you can tell she’s living in New York (the spelling is hers).

Pancake 6$
Pizza, pepproni tomatoes 22$
Tea 4$
Chcoclate cake 10$

(You non-New-Yorkers may laugh at this, but her pricing is quite representative.)

more headlines

Al Qaeda Chiefs Are Seen to Regain Power

JetBlue’s C.E.O. Is ‘Mortified’ After Fliers Are Stranded

Al Qaeda Chiefs Are Seen to Regain Power.
Training camps have sprung up across the border, in Pakistan.
JetBlue’s C.E.O. Is ‘Mortified’ After Fliers Are Stranded.
You never know how people will mobilize when things fail to take off.

catching up

I’ve been tired all week. Between lengthy sessions of watching “Bleak House,” seeing “Les Miz,” working, watching a Richard Lewis DVD, more “Bleak House,” and a night of limericks, I finally got some sleep last night.
All the listed activities were worth the time invested and sleep lost, but it made blogging difficult. The more tired I get, the more events seem irritating or even depressing rather than humorous. So I decided to just stick with the headline poems.
But now I’m back, I hope.

Yesterday, for example I learned from Madge that the reason she was such a sassy brat the night before was because she had been reading Harry Potter. While reading, she identified with our dear Harry and equated us, her parents (Julie in particular), with Umbridge. So, of course, she had to lash out.
See, today I find it funny. Yesterday it was so-so. The day before it would have made me mad.

We got to trudge through the snow a lot, too, and I got to tell Madge how I used to pretend I was walking through the wilderness in search of help for my trapped family and I had to watch out for wolves and traps and weak ice. She was very excited by all this. Hopefully I can get her to read some Jack London as a result.

Both of these incidents lead me to another observation. I have noticed, when kids play, that they like to identify with characters from movies or books. “I’ll be so-and-so. Who do you want to be?” And then they act out what happened or take it further.
I tend to think of characters, mostly, in terms of whether I like them or not. First, whether I like them as characters, then, whether I’d like them as friends or how I’d deal with them if they were real people. Sometimes I even think, “What would I do in that situation?” Hardly ever do I think, “I want to be him or her.” (Though sometimes I realize, of a character, often someone I don’t really like, “Hey! That’s me!”)
I wonder when in our lives this change happens? Is it a change in us or a change in the books we read?

A mixture of both, obviously.

And now I should probably take off my Princess Leia costume and go shopping or something.

rolling along

In Fraud Case, 7 Years in Jail for Contempt

Pressing Allies, President Warns of Afghan Battle

In Fraud Case, 7 Years in Jail for Contempt,
Failure to produce evidence earned a sentence as long as a full conviction.
Pressing Allies, President Warns of Afghan Battle.
Same 7 years, different domicile, but a disturbingly similar contempt.

88 Headlines

Tasty Tastemakers of the Runway

Bush Declares Iran’s Arms Role in Iraq Is Certain


Tasty Tastemakers of the Runway,
What you wear, away from the media’s eye, is picked up by the public.
Bush Declares Iran’s Arms Role in Iraq is Certain.
We’ve recognized some of our cast-offs from the Eighties.

(Here's an extra link, but only if you need it.)

tiny insight

Huh. Last night, mulling things over while falling asleep, I realized why the Chinese poetry as exemplified in the Japanese popular song is in a book of 101 Zen Stories.
I’ll be.
That stuff really works, I guess.
What is the reason? you ask.
I figure it’s because you can combine any two things to make one of those poems. Or, in other words, everything is connected. Try it for yourself. Go to the dictionary, open it up, and find some words.
I found “dog biscuit” and “recruit” on this time around. And, voila, a little mulling of the terms and you get:

A dog biscuit is a small reward, a bribe.
It motivates canines to perform the most absurd tasks.
Recruits are harder and harder to come by,
And yet small treats make them roll over and play dead.

Sorry about the pessimism creeping into these things. It might be the weather. Still, I stand by my point.

88 Headlines

More headline "poetry"

Chrysler Cuts 13,000 Jobs in Overhaul

Millions in Lottery Prizes Go Unclaimed

Chrysler Cuts 13,000 Jobs in Overhaul,
Losses in the billions are not to be overlooked.
Millions in Lottery Prizes Go Unclaimed.
Former automotive workers will be checking their pockets more carefully now.

88-Style on Headlines

The next step? The two top headlines at NYTimes.com squished into the 88-form.

North Korea to Close Reactor in Exchange for Raft of Aid
and
One Year Later, Golden Mosque Is Still in Ruins


One Year Later, Golden Mosque Is Still in Ruins.
Destruction is stronger than the effort to rebuild.
North Korea to Close Reactor in Exchange for Raft of Aid.
We'll rebuild the mosque if Iraqis agree not to pray there.

Madge Monday and Coco Tuesday

Nothing strange or unusual going on with the kids right now and things are finally seeming more normal, with nobody sick and nobody visiting.
Last night Madge’s school had an ice-skating party for the second- and third-graders and their families. Lots of fun. This time we took the bus to get there (a school bus), which was fun, but involved waiting, something in which Madge has, as they say in business-spin-talk, opportunities.
“Where’s the bus?” “When is the bus coming?” “Is there another bus?” “Did we miss the bus?” “When is the bus coming?” et c. (Notice the old-school division of that abbrev.? I’m oh-so-crafty.)
Poor Madge has two smart-heinies as parents, so the questions only frustrate everyone. They are, after all, lose-lose questions. Nobody knows the answer and, as exacting as she is, any wrong answer is a mark against us on an ever-growing tally. I’m surprised I don’t have a black spot on the palm of my hand by now.
So we answer truthfully, which irritates her even more. “The bus is somewhere between the school and here.” “It’ll be here shortly after we see it turn the corner.” And so on.
When the questions continue, we say, “No idea, maybe they stopped at a drive-through.” “Oh, no, we’ll have to sleep in the park.” (The skating rink is in Prospect Park, the crown jewel in Olmsted and Vaux’s blahblahblah.)
While we were waiting some kid was playing with a stick and Madge was well on her way to talking him into giving it to her against his will – she was using some kind of womanly mind-meld – when I interceded and told her to look for her own. Coco had already found his own a while ago. But it was fascinating to see her working on that kid. She already had the kid’s dad on her side, working on the guy. But, as you might have noticed, we were in a park. Sticks were abundant. No need to work on the imperius curse or whatever she was doing.
Skating itself was loads of fun and the kids dropped into bed exhausted when we got home.
My lower back hurts, though, because Coco doesn’t skate on his own and prefers to have both hands held as the kids did when learning to walk.
Ow.

88-Style

Two takes on a similar combination (a bit late, because I don't like anticipating stories covered on WWDTM):

Dogs are everywhere in the city,
On the street, in apartments, in parks.
NASA has developed much new technology,
Perhaps dogs ought to wear diapers.

Astronauts are go-getters,
Trained to explore new frontiers.
Dogs can be made to behave,
So why aren’t astronauts neutered?

88-Style

Bear with me, I think it'll pay off (if not now, then in the long haul).


From “101 Zen Stories” (as presented in “Zen Flesh Zen Bones”)

88. How To Write a Chinese Poem

A well-known Japanese poet was asked how to compose a Chinese poem.
“The usual Chinese poem is four lines,” he explained. “The first line contains the initial phase; the second line, the continuation of that phrase; the third line turns from this subject and begins a new one; and the fourth line brings the first three lines together. A popular Japanese song illustrates this:

Two daughters of a silk merchant live in Kyoto.
The elder is twenty, the younger, eighteen.
A soldier may kill with his sword,
But these girls slay men with their eyes.”

Since I find this style of poetry amusing, I’ll be trying my hand at it. (I also love that this is supposedly a Zen story. And of course, that a Chinese poem is illustrated by a popular Japanese song. Those Zen storytellers are so culturally sensitive.)
So, in lieu of calling it my attempt at a popular Japanese song style or Chinese poetry, I’ll call it 88-style.

There are many restaurants in Park Slope,
One fancier, and more pricy, than the next.
The bus runs every twelve minutes,
Will our waitress ever return?

Z Fable

The Zenith and the Zero

“I’m at the peak of my game,” said the Zenith.
“So there’s no way but down,” answered the Zero.
“Yeah, but at least people want to hang out with me. Celebrate my arrival.”
“But it’s always the same with you. I’m less predictable.”
“How so?”
“As a place holder, I’m enjoyed. As a multiplying factor, not so much.”
“Hunh.”
“And as a denominator, I blow their little minds.”
“Still, though, on your own, you’re nothing.”
“So are you, pal. So are you.”

Where is tall man?

Another Coco tidbit I remembered today.
One of the greatest nannies ever, Shani Mueller, taught us the well-known kids’ hit, “Where is Thumbkin?”, a song that teaches digital dexterity by making the kids use each finger separately. Thumbkin and Pointer are easy to manipulate, Tall Man and Pinky (called Baby in some versions of the song) are a little more difficult, and Ringman is near impossible for the wee ones.
We’d been singing the song for a while with Coco, since it’s a good way to pass the time when we’re waiting for something.
One day I was waiting at Madge’s school for the release of the second graders. As usual, Coco was on my shoulders. A nanny (technically, an au pair) looked up at him and said, “Who’s the tall man?”
Needless to say, she was rather shocked at his non-verbal response.

Darkness

Here’s something Auntie Boo wanted me to write about. I hardly even think it’s an inconsistency, but, then again, I’m around the kids all the time.
Coco likes turning off lights so he can play with the flashlight or the Harry Potter wand or the Pirates of the Caribbean sword or the light saber (if he could find it), all of which light up. We, however, would have liked some light so we could see to eat or read or whatever nonsensical activity was occupying us at the moment. (Although I do admit, some moments of darkness for me to get some clandestine nose-digging time might have been welcome.)
So I said to Coco, “How about if you go to your room and turn off the lights there?”
His answer, of course (all together now), “No, it’s too dark back there.”

The obvious

This week's New Yorker has an article I'm not likely to read, not least because the subtitle annoys me so much.
It is entited "Two Heads" and subtitled "A marriage devoted to the mind-body problem."
I ask you, what marriage isn't?

The going rate for pictures

The bidding opens at one thousand words. Do I hear one thousand five hundred?

Laugh don't destroy

So now I feel bad.

I went to this show last night, and, sure, I gave $20 for a fairly worthwhile and fairly hopeless cause so I should feel good about that, but I wasted about two hours doing so.
Here’s the deal. All the performers, as far as I can tell, are experienced to some degree, and even good (to some degree).
But nothing really seemed prepared. Okay, I guess they didn’t get paid* and were doing it as a benefit, but on the other hand a hodge-podge mix of acts like this is also meant to gain new fans, potentially.

*One performer, Eugene Mirman, even lost $20 on the deal because he paid an unintentional heckler to leave. Needless to say, the guy stayed and kept the $20, thus proving that he really was a [insert whatever you feel here, don’t hold back]. It’s odd, really. Jon Benjamin, one of the funnier acts up to that point (though the host was pretty good – in spite of appeals to “hey, it’s comedy” – and Gilad Foss was good, at least he had something prepared), asked this man, who was sitting in the front row, if he was enjoying himself – or some such thing. The guy said that nothing so far was funny (and, honestly, he wasn’t too far off at this point, though Benjamin, really, was good). And it went downhill from there. And from that point on, none of the performers was able to ignore this guy (although the woman he was with seemed to be enjoying herself and the performers did all pick on him a little – still, he was too big a [insert again] to be moved).

Anyway, to make matters worse, Coco wasn’t at all prepared to see me go and stayed up until about 10pm waiting for me before he fell asleep, so I lost out on two fronts as this morning was extra difficult with Coco and I’m already dreading naptime.

Quick evaluation of performers, though too quick and most possibly unfair. Benjamin and Mirman, worth seeing again and paying for. Showalter strong and good, but something is missing for me (probably a better writer than performer, but, man, wasn’t that a hasty judgment on my part). Gilad Foss, good, Baron Vaughan, good (though too apologetic), Robin Cloud, good (though not really suited to the audience that was there).
But, hey, kudos for them for showing up and doing their thing, in spite of the energy-drain in the front row.

And now I still feel bad.

Coco Tuesday

This is what we were doing while we were waiting for Madge's ballet class to begin.

Today, on the way to Coco's school, I told him I was going shopping to get oatmeal and other things. What else should I bring?

And he answered, "Chocolate chips, so Auntie Boo can have more cookies."

Now, naive dad that I am, I say, Oh, how sweet. What a thoughtful kid.

But what if he's merely manipulative, knowing he's more likely to get what he wants if he says it's for someone else?

I'll just take it as a win-win situation: either he's really sweet or really savvy.

(I'll be enjoying the cookies, too, after all. Win-win-win.)

linking to roy

A most excellent post by Roy. Read it. This man knows how to mold words.

linking to me

Love the art again on this CrunchGear post. Go, Bryce!

Madge Monday

Last Monday, the day of my intestinal upheavals, Madge's ballet class had an open session. Great fun. My escape to the vomitorium after the event is by no means a reflection upon the event itself.

One of the best parts was the piano player. Yes, ballet classes, at least the ones Madge has attended, have flesh-and-blood musicians to keep time and offer a backdrop.

Visually, this guy was nothing at all compared to the lovely Miss Olga from Miss Tilly's Ballet Studio in San Francisco. But he was far more entertaining. She tended to play the same few pieces. Some Mussorgsky, some Grieg, some Tchaikowsky, and that was pretty much it. This guy was improvising the whole time, simple four-measure things, changed as to the mood required. He was super-sloppy, missing notes all the time. But that wasn't the point. He was as unsubtle as a kid's ballet class requires, with crazy glissandi when the kids were doing their turns and tiptoe music when they were doing delicate cat steps.

Come to think of it, the difference between Miss Olga and this guy is the difference between San Francisco and New York. Miss Olga was lovely, did everything right, sunny, and had a warm, loving personality. This guy was fun to look at (though not lovely by a long stretch), sloppy, over-the-top, oddly needy of recognition and lapping up my compliments to him afterwards, but completely fitting and totally fun.

See, what we need is a house at each coast.

Oh, yes, and Madge was great, too. She had missed quite a few classes before this, the last one. And we found out afterwards that all the fairly complex routines that she did as well as all the other kids were brand new to her that day. She's a quick learner.

Y Fables

The Yeti and the Yenta

“You should shave.”
“You should talk.”

The Yeti and the Yak

The Yeti said to the yak, “Hey, have you heard of evolution?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’m upright and you’re not.”
“So?”
“So I’m more evolved, right?”
“If that makes you happy.”
“Sure does,” the Yeti said and went back into hiding.

The Yeti and the Yogurt

Said the Yeti, “I can’t wait to eat you. You’re just what I need.”
“Dude,” said the yogurt, “the word is ‘abominable’, not ‘abdominal’.”

Public Service from moi (indirectly)

For those of you who buy things online, here's a website that tracks whether or not you could have gotten it cheaper somewhere else (or at the same place) and then alerts you so you can get the difference refunded.
http://www.priceprotectr.com/
Not a bad ploy. But where they get their money in the process is a mystery to me.
(I found it through CrunchGear. Go ahead an click on the link in the sidebar for more techie things.)

Wine Theft

A $100,000 theft of wine in Silicon Valley (here's the NYTimes story).
How do the thieves choose what to celebrate with? A can of TAB?
The crime would be "perfect" if the thieves sent back the bottles they didn't like (you know, opened, with a sip taken...whatever).
This one's for you, PM: I think the butler did it.

Piano Music

The Ahmad Jamal Trio. I saw them once, in Oakland (Yoshi's, I think), although he had an extra percussionist for that run. And it wasn't the same lineup as here. I was just reminded of how great the man's arrangements are when one of his songs popped up in my iTunes playlist. I tend to stop what I'm doing and just listen and after a while I notice I'm smiling.
Usually I'm of the opinion that music can't be "funny" unless it's referencing other pieces and, more likely than not, the words or dramatic situations associated with those pieces. But Ahmad Jamal plays with time and dynamics in such a great way that I smile nonetheless - not "funny" enough for outright laughter, I guess, but still.
According to a little book of quotes I have, Horovitz once said something to the effect of, "Anyone can get applause. But silence, before and during the performance, that is the greatest."
Jamal gets silence from me every time.
Enjoy.


I forgot to mention something I noticed when I watched it again. There's a visual correlary to the way the ensmble fits together. Between the three of them, the performers make up one full beard (wraparound chin thing + soul patch + mustache). On purpose?

Doctor's note

Who knew that doctors could be so cool?

This was from a time when Coco was obsessed with Maggie Moo's "blue" ice cream (Cotton Candy is the flavor's official name), in a cup, not a cone, and he was upset about being at the doctor's, so she wrote a perscription for

1 Blue Ice Cream/cup

Stat.

I showed the perscription to the person at Maggie Moo's and she said (very quickly), after I asked whether they honor our insurance, "Yes, but you have a co-pay of $3.24."

I'm not sure I like being the straight man.

All hail ginger ale

Blech. Spent last night housing the virus that Madge and Coco had previously.
I'm really tired of visiting the bathroom.
But, man, that ginger ale is miraculous. I've been hungry and thirsty all night, but every time I had water, it was about half an hour before I got rid of it again.
I just had some ginger ale, though. I repeat myself, yes, but, oh, I feel reborn.

Madge Monday

My youngest child sympathies surfaced again this morning. Man, it’s hard not to have that happen. Here’s the deal. Julie and the kids got party treats yesterday for Coco’s party this coming Saturday. The treats weren’t put away, yet, largely because with Christmas and Coco’s Birthday and Winter Clothes why have quickly run out of room in our apartment.
So this morning Madge goes snooping in the bags and plays with a Slinky. I tell her to put it away because it’s not for us, it’s for the party, blah blah – in other words, I sounded just like the parent I don’t want to be. She put the Slinky away. But of course Coco grabs one at that moment and she lays into him about it – and, to fill you in on the whole situation, she’s developed a nasty tone of voice recently, which, mixed with Coco’s morning whining is just music to anyone’s ears. The soundtrack to “The Exorcist” is a lullaby compared to it.
And, little brother that I am, I can’t help being mad at her about it. (I’m getting all riled up about it again, just writing about it. Because I know it’s wrong to blame her, but come on.)

On the plus side of the Madge and Daddy ledger: she really missed me while I was working yesterday – the German word for me is Sabbatschaender (Sabbath-defiler) – or at least she put on a good show about it when I came home. Not that this didn’t lead to sibling and pet jealousies, but still.

Finally, I am pleased to report that a devious parenting ploy of mine worked. I know that any recommendation from Daddy is met with distrust. But this was a large-scale subterfuge, and made it below her radar. I rented Oliver, the movie musical, through Netflix, and we watched it. The kids like some of the songs and now the plot is familiar to Madge (I don’t think Coco could follow it all, to him it’s “The kid finds a family” movie). Then I made a CD with their favorite songs from the musical by downloading them from iTunes. Finally, I went to the library and got the book (the unabridged version), “for myself.” Julie, of course, nosed around in it to see if it ends in the same way – love that Julie. And Madge, true to my plan, picked the book up, too, and started reading it. And when Julie asked her what’s happening right now (Madge is somewhere around page 50) she summarized it pretty well. Go, Madge!
Only problem for me is that I probably won’t be able to read it anytime soon. Still, I think he finds a family at the end – and I figured that out without skipping ahead, Julie.

My Excuse for Friday

For those of you wondering why there was no fable last Friday, it's not (just) because I can't finish anything I start but because it was Coco's Fourth Birthday!

The candles, by the way, were blown out by his school friends, to his dismay. So the candles were lit again, the song sung again, and the candles blown out by ... his friends, again. Of course I'm proud of Coco's patience, but c'mon, little guys, have some compassion - these are the same kids who would squeal like stuck pigs if it happened to them (not that I feel strongly about this or anything).

Crunch crunch

I'm rhymin' about tech stuff again. One of the best things about it, for me, is discovering how Bryce Durbin illustrates it. Always entertaining.

Back with Roy

The process of getting to Roy's posts has been getting more involved, which is why I neglected to find it last week. Here is this week's.
And here is the one from the week before, which ends with a great idea. Everyone seems to agree that a solution in Iraq is less military than political. So let's send them some politicians. We have lots left over from the last elections.
(But there are more goodies in there, so click and read).

Silly game update

I went back to the bookshelves of doom blog to check on the status of my comment there and to see if other people left book titles there. Children's books seem to work well (for example, "Pat the Bunny In My Pants").
But just now, telling you about it, I made the same "mistake" I made on yesterday's post: I changed the site's "your" to "my." In other words, their game is actually to say "In Your Pants."
Weird, huh?
I can't help it, but I find the whole thing much funnier as "my" instead of "your." It seems to me to be the difference between mocking yourself and picking on others. Let's use the subtitle of "Oliver Twist" as an example.
I'm simply more inclined to laugh when someone says, "The Parish Boy's Progress In My Pants."
Who's with me on this?

Silly games (read: Julie will be mighty annoyed with me soon)

I had a link to this blog in my inbox today. It got me, gasp, thinking.

When I first lived in Minnesota, there was a guy, Dan, in my program, who was quite funny. At least he seemed so me at the time, though I think he has the kind of personality that I would still consider funny. He’s the person who turned me on to Letterman (I was new to the States at the time). He also had eyes that couldn’t seem to decide what they were looking at – or, rather, which made it hard for a conversational partner to focus on. And, one more aside, for some reason I remember his name as Dan Brown – although he couldn’t possibly be THAT Dan Brown.
He had this line he’d say, which I thought terribly funny (at the time). At any moment, he might respond to someone’s statement with, “That’s what SHE said,” with a Groucho Marx inflection. Harmless statements would get the (to me, at the time) funniest reinterpretations.
“It’s dark in here. Let’s turn on the light.” “That’s what SHE said.”
“Hey, can you lend a hand?” “That’s what SHE said.”
Etc. ad nauseam, except, of course that there was no way the nauseam level would be reached for me (at the time).
(I'm trying to let you know I've outgrown the impulse to say it out loud, though I often still think it.)

Later, in Chicago, I heard the same concept applied in a different way, from my friend Tom (I forgot his last name, sorry). His version was to add “in bed” to whatever someone said. I never liked it as much as “that’s what SHE said,” probably because the concept wasn’t new to me anymore (“in bed”), but also because it’s not quite as flexible (“in bed”).
You get the idea.

So on this blog they have this game in which they add the words “in my pants” to any book title. Same idea, but it links the prurient and infantile to stuff that ought to be above such matters, and all of a sudden I’m hooked again.
The best example of theirs (I think) is, “Everything That Rises Must Converge In My Pants.”
For example, I am currently reading “Just Enough Liebling In My Pants.”
I recently finished “Housekeeping Vs. The Dirt In My Pants.”
But I have other goodies on my shelf, like
Last Night’s Fun In My Pants
This Is a Bad Time In My Pants
Love Trouble In My Pants
Max Shulman’s Large Economy Size In My Pants
The Human Stain In My Pants
I’m a Stranger Here Myself – In My Pants
And one of Coco’s favorite books is “Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog In My Pants.”

Tell me this isn’t a fun game.

Nash-y stuff

The next best thing to coming up with stuff on my own? Quoting others.
Here’s Ogden Nash, from “The Strange Case of the Girl O’ Mr. Sponsoon’s Dreams”
…
One day he was driving along the street when he saw a beautiful girl.
-
My, what a beautiful girl, said Mr. Sponsoon. I wish I knew her name.
-
If I asked her name, said Mr. Sponsoon, she might think me a brazen cad.
-
But if I don’t know her name, she will go out of my life forever.
-
Mr. Sponsoon thought and thought.
-
Suppose I run over her gently, he thought at last.
-
With one wheel, say.
-
Certainly with no more than two.
-
Then I can read her name in the morning paper and all will be hotsy-totsy.
…

That’s exactly how Julie and I met. (I still have a slight limp from the incident.)

Home life

In case you're wondering why there wasn't anything new today, it's because we spent the time between 1 am and 4 am doing laundry because of various pediatric digestive incidents and then spent the day at home recuperating and fighting about using the computer. Not using it, that is.
To lead by example, I refrained from blogging.
But tomorrow they ought to be off to school again and then we'll see.

Coco Tuesday

The two sides of Coco

Yesterday might have gone better if a liveried butler had shown up at my door bearing a silver tablet with a note on it reading, “Meet me today in the living room. Choose your second wisely. We shall meet at two paces. The weapons will be fingernails and screams. The use of reason results in an immediate disqualification. You shall know me by the secret message, ‘I want Power Rangers.’”
That’s really what started it, the Power Ranger request. But the peak of the duel was the following.
C (Coco): I want apple juice.
PIV (Poor Innocent Victim): Okay [pours juice into cup]
C: That’s too much!
PIV (not heeding the warning signs): Okay. [pours some into sink]
C: Noooo!
PIV (really not too bright): Okay. [pours it all out and rinses cup]
C: Noo! Not water!
PIV (really ought to renamed to Ignorant Dumb-A**): Okay [wiped cup]
C: Nooo! I do it with tissue!
IDA (proving that old dogs can’t learn any tricks at all and also forget old tricks rather frequently: Okay. [re-wets cup and hands it to C]
C: Nooo! [Throws cup]
IDA (raising voice): Look. Do you want apple juice or don’t you?!?!!!
C: Noooo! [runs into room, slams door]
Game, Set, Match.
Post-game analysis reveals that PIV/IDA ought to have thrown himself on the ground after C’s second sally. Fist-pounding may have gotten him some points. But really, the play was too far on C’s side after the brilliant opening non-thirsty apple-juice request.

Same child, the previous day. Playing with Darth Tater - Hasbro’s brilliant name for Mr. Potatohead in his Darth Vader costume – (using a 3-yr-old’s “deep voice” which in itself is already super-cute): “I am your father.”
Then: Boing. [Darth Tater flies up the chair] Tickle, tickle.

I’m guessing the latter is what people have in mind when they say they wish the kids could stay that age forever.

I almost forgot

My week in review for CrunchGear.
Please follow the link and comment on the post - if you're so inclined. If you're otherwise inclined, which, I guess, is declining, do it anyway. C'mon. For me.

Esther Phillips, part 2

For those of you able to see the Esther Phillips thing on YouTube that I linked to, here’s another thing that grabbed me about it. (For the others, too, but you might not have the visual image required to make sense of the following statement.) Watching her, you know she’s just bursting to move and shout. Just look at it again and watch her arms. She’s just ready to explode, but the song won’t let her.
So, do yourselves a favor. Go to iTunes, type “Try Me Esther Phillips,” and buy the song.
Here are the lyrics (quite frankly, I was at a loss how to punctuate the thing. Most words needed a sort of exclamation mark after them):

Try Me

If you really wanna know if I can stand your brand of love,
Try me.
Why don’t you try me?
If you wanna know if I’m affected by the moon above,
Then try me.
Come on and try me.
Don’t you know my heart feels a strong desire
When I’m thrilled by the warmth of your touch?
Baby, don’t you know my soul’s on fire,
And I need your lovin’ so much.

If you really wanna know if I am longing for your kiss,
Then try me.
Why won’t you try me.
If you think that I’ll get weak in a cozy spot like this,
Please try me.
I beg you, try me.
If you’re wondrin’ ‘bout the magic in stars and soft caresses
There’s only one way to know if it’s right:
Just take me in your arms, baby, and try, try me tonight.

[sax solo]*

Don’t you know my heart feels a strong desire
When I’m thrilled by the warmth of your touch?
Baby, don’t you know my soul’s on fire,
And I need your lovin’ so much.
Just take me your arms and try me tonight
I want you to take me in your arms, and come on, and try me tonight
I beg you, try me, try me, try me, try me tonight.

* Poor guy, having to follow that. The solo’s a bit of a letdown. But what can you do in such little time to match that? Wouldn’t it be great to have a solo start for a few bars and then have the guy put down the horn and say, “[Expletive,] Esther, you’ve got to give me more [expletive] room than that.”

Madge Monday and the "Mouse"

Funny how some lines live on. This morning I was trying to get the kids ready and Coco got distracted while getting dressed, meaning he was running around chasing the cat, naked. The cat was wearing his fur, of course.
Madge said, “Coco. It’s time to put the mouse in the house.”
I said, “What?”
She said, “He needs to put the mouse [pointing at his you-know] in the house [holding up the Superman underwear].”
The missing link in this story is, of course, Julie, who considers that line from “Friends” immortal and is doing her best to make it live on.
I wonder when Madge will use this line in public.

Esther Phillips

Just a quick post because I've got to run. I was looking for her version of "Try Me" on YouTube but found this instead.


There are two things I love about it. First, of course, the introduction by John Lennon. As much as I like Esther Phillips, I'm not sure this is the song I'd choose to showcase her talents. But, hey, you take what you can get. And, second, the choreography. You can totally tell that the producers told her to stand on the X and "Don't move!" Until the instrumental break where she gets to wander to a point where the shadows seem to cut off her head. Weird.

X Fable

The Ox and the Exception

The Exception spoke to the Ox. “Look. There’s nothing remarkable about you, so you really shouldn’t be in this kids’ book on the alphabet. But, other than the xylophone, there’s not much to offer at this end of the letters we use, so you can be like me for now.”
The Ox answered, “Am I supposed to thank you for this? What if I don’t want to be in a book?”
“But…” stammered the Exception. “Okay, you can go.”
The Ox wandered off and the Exception got to stay on alone.
So the Exception said, “How about this:
The Ex and the X
The Ex sighed happily. ‘Ironic, isn’t it, dear X, how I’ve come to depend on you. First, the kisses you represent got me into a long-distance relationship I should have shied away from, but then my signature next to you on the prenup made everything dandy.’”

pediatric dentistry

Yesterday we had a dentistry double whammy. Madge at 4, Coco at 4:30, and we got home around 6. Julie got to participate vicariously because we have new cell phones and I can now send pictures. So she received an image of Coco with shades on (to guard him from the light which he called “the fire” – so you can already guess how he felt about the whole event) and Mr. Thirsty in his mouth (which the kids get to operate themselves).
Madge has a good attitude towards the whole thing. Perhaps it helps that the first time she had a filling (on a tooth that has since fallen out) they gassed her up with laughing gas and the whole room was bluish to her and, well, she was high for a while. But now she loves going.
Coco, not so much. As far as he’s concerned, a doctor is a doctor, and no matter how friendly they appear, their sole purpose, the thing they get paid to do, is to invade your privacy if not cause actual pain. But he’s brave and wills himself to sit still. And after a while he realized that, while uncomfortable and intrusive, it’s not necessarily painful.

Here, though, is why I even started writing this. While I know it’s not right of me to instinctively side with Coco in their disagreements, I know why I do it. Like him, I was the youngest, more specifically the younger brother of big sisters.
So I hope you’ll be proud of me for not interfering when I overheard the following (about the toys they got at the dentist’s) from Madge.
“Let me see that [toy fairy that you’ve been playing with while I was reading]. No. That one’s mine. Yours is the one with the broken sword. But don’t worry. It’s not broken much. Bring it to daddy. He can fix it.”

cheese again

Rocastin, that's the name of the sheep's brie I had. Full name: Le Berger de Rocastin. (Fromage d'Affinois)
Verdict: sure, why not. But I'm not sure I'd go out of my way for it. Mostly because I tend to overeat on bries (the flavor is just fine, a hint of sheep wrapped in brie creaminess). I have a feeling I'm not the only one.
The problem, of course, is that this kind of cheese doesn't agree with my latent obsessive compulsiveness. In other words, the mere fact that it's a bit runny makes me want to leave the sides neat when I'm done. And, since this is impossible, I'm not truly done until the cheese is gone.
Sometimes I have that problem with ice cream, too, but (un)fortunately it's easier to leave a flat surface in a thing of Ben and Jerry's than it is with a wedge of brie.
A hard cheese, on the other hand, is easier to "manage" in that sense.
There, now you can rest at ease.

Mpls. memory

Apropos of nothing, I remembered today that, when we saw this painting (Monet, in case you didn't know) in the museum in Mineeapolis where it lives, Madge said, "Why do they have a picture of a muffin?"

I'm sure she wasn't the first to make that observation.

Of course I then explained to her that the Impressionists were just a bunch of nearsighted Frenchmen who were too vain to bring their glasses with them when they painted outdoors.

I know for a fact I'm not the first to make that observation, either.

getting ready

Can it be that I’ve got nothing to show for my efforts today?
Let’s just say that even if there were, I’d be in denial.
Saw Glenn again yesterday, and it was fun, though, as always, too short. There are some people that make you feel happy just by being near. Number one, of course, is Julie. The kids, well, they make you feel about ten-thousand things at once. But Glenn, it’s just nice to be around him. Let’s start a fan club. Who’s with me?
But that was yesterday. Today we’re dealing with cold weather. Which means the skies are clear and I feel the kids are going to get ripped off as far as upcoming snows are concerned. Once it clouds over it’ll be warmer again. And I – I mean, the kids – really wanted to have some snowball fights and get a sled and… Oh, well.
Got some new cheese today that I’m excited about, only because I’m branching out. I tend not to get the runny soft ones, but today I got a sheep’s milk brie, so we’ll see. I’ll report on it later. I know you’ll be losing sleep if you don’t hear about it soon.
The cold is new to us, in a way, since the kids’ sensory memory doesn’t extend to the last winter. Therefore it’s a surprise to everyone that cold weather translates into an unwillingness to crawl out from under the warm snuggly covers in the morning.
“Why are we late?” asked Madge.
Of course I blamed them. It sure was a struggle. Topped off by Coco’s insistence on wearing his finger gloves, which are too big and which he wants to put on himself but which he can’t, especially when he puts the left one on the right hand like this morning.
But, really, that only accounted for about four minutes of our lateness. Still, four minutes of screaming and struggle and forced self-restraint. (And some shouting on Madge’s part.) Ah, yes, tranquil family life.
As people with older children tend to say, “Oh, that’s the best age.”
What they’re really saying is, “It gets worse.”
Yippee!

Keeping up with me

And, finally, one of the reasons I've been behind with my postings is that I'm teaching SAT prep stuff again on Sundays. In Long Island (or "on?").
Anyway, this weekend had a bit of a surprise for me. I knew I was going to do a double shift. But I was quite certain that I'd be teaching all Writing. Turned out I was teaching Reading on the second shift. Eeek!
So I stalled for a while and then, boom, my best lecture ever. Not really, but it went just fine, I think.
I even came up with a dumb pun that I can't help but share.
See, one of the ways I like to remember new words (Reading in SAT exam terms often means knowing vocabulary) is to dissect them. For example, the word "dissect" which we pronounce as "die-sect" and therefore often misspell. But the word doesn't refer to sectioning in two (di); rather, it's sectioning apart (dis).
I still misspell it all the time, but at least I know why I'm wrong.
So I shared my favorite root:
-stitution.
It goes with:
con, in, sub, de, re, and, of course, the one that gets the giggles, pro.
And then I said that prostitution is just a way of making, heh, heh ends meet. Not realizing until the middle of the word "ends" that I was making a pun.
But these kids are smart. They actually got it and had the typical pun-appreciation response.
A groan and a smile.
That's really all I can ask for.
(And it sounds like drink order: a shot of whiskey with a champagne chaser.)

Coco Tuesday (told you I'm cheating)

Coco's got some new work in "The Gallery" too.

What you see here is his impression of Mommy's week away. She told him that she and one of her West-coast work friends cried when they said goodbye.

And what child can't tell you about how odd it is to see your parents crying.

(Just wait a few days and my mom will leave a comment about me, a certain Heintje song, and her brief stay at the hospital.)

Madge Monday (cheating, sort of)

Okay, so I'm not making witty observations about what we've done in the past week, though I can tell you that this weekend has been heavily weighted on the girly side. (Ballet and American Girl Store - yay, us.)

But Madge also started drawing and writing a dictionary. She's gotten to the letter "H" but hasn't written anything for that entry yet. Feel free to view the dictionary as it stands in "the Gallery." I'll be updating it whenever she does more. And I'll keep trying to persuade her to let me publish them here. I think they rock.

If you need help deciphering the texts, let me know via a comment here or in Flickr, where the gallery lives, or via email.

I don't you be telling me I'm not available for you. Communicatively, I mean, not emotionally.

Review rhymes

I reviewed another week at CrunchGear and here it is.

Weasel tidbit.

Something I found when doing "research" for my W Fable:
The company that makes those overprices but well-packed and oh-so-sweet-smelling baby-care products (shampoos, lotions, etc.) has the name of the genus that weasels belong to.
It's Mustela.
Weird, huh? You can look up "weasel" in the dictionary, if you want to.
I can just hear new dads using this in a store. "They're charging what for a bottle of shampoo?! Well, you know what "mustela" means, don't you? Look it up. They're weasels."

Note on today's fable

Odd thing, this alphabet we have. I was so preoccupied trying to come up with something for X that it took me completely by surprise that the letter after V is something else entirely.
So I hastily assembled what I have. I hope it makes sense.

W Fable

The Weasel and the Worm

A weasel and a worm were moving about together (“walking” is shorter, but it’s a worm, so…) and talking about their ancestry and the bad rap they’ve gotten because someone at sometime may have done something lowly and why are they still being stereotyped…
“And anyway,” said the weasel, “it makes sense for people to look down on you. You burrow in the ground. And you’re slimy.”
“Oh,” answered the worm, “like you don’t actually pride yourself in getting out of tricky situa-“
Just then they happened upon a bear trap which snapped shut on both of them.
“Oops,” they both said.
“Bad luck,” said the weasel.
“Yeah, well,” answered the worm. “Being a weasel only gets you so far, huh?”
And with that he/she split in half and continued the conversation on his/her new dual own.
(Can a worm be diagnosed as schizophrenic?)

Shaft

A group art project. We added some color to John Shaft.

But now that I write that, it doesn't make much sense.

Anyway, guess who got to hem and haw his way through explaining the plot?

The oddest part was that I realized I hardly remember any of the plot at all. Julie, is this the movie with the immortal line, "Close it yourself, shitty?" If not, which one is? Now I'm giggling at that line all over again.

commentary in a sweater

The tag in my sweater sums up the neighborhood where we used to live.

SF: Made in Hong Kong.

Partial disclosure

Here’s one of the reasons I love doing this blog.
On Monday, Julie, who is out of town for the week, calls.
Julie: So, were you going to tell me that Madge is sick?
Me: What do you mean?
J: I read about it on the blog.
M: Oh. Didn’t you see I put quotation marks around the word “sick”? J: -
M: To answer your question, no, I guess not.

I also wouldn’t ordinarily tell her about Coco and the ketchup. It’s really too routine of an event for me to remember at the end of the day, and it doesn’t warrant a phone call.
The biggest mystery about Coco and the ketchup, by the way, is that yes, there was ketchup on the sock, and yes, there was ketchup on the floor (which I cleaned up), but the ketchup bottle was in the fridge where it belongs. So there’s a whole chain of events I never found out about.

A "better" Coco Tuesday

Here's a Coco entry that's more to my, well, "liking" isn't quite the word, but it's more what I anticipate a Coco Tuesday to be.

I was practicing guitar in the kids' room while they were enjoying the use of the computer. Fair trade, I figure.
Coco came in and said, "Can you help me take off my sock?"
I ask, "What happened to your socks?" figuring that his pee-pee aim was off again. It happens to the best of us.
But no, his anwer was, "I got ketchup on it."
I guess I was done practicing anyway.

Coco Tuesday

As you may or may not know, Coco is off his seizure medicine.
When he had his epileptic seizures last March, he started out with “drop” seizures (atonic seizures which make the muscles give out, resulting in a fall) which (we think) accumulated to make his brain overload and give him a generalized tonic-clonic seizure (previously known as “Grand Mal” but we just call it “big seizure” for short).
He had the first big seizure in their bathroom.
My point is this. The other day he and I were in the bathroom and he was standing in the place where he was then, and I thought, “My, he’s gotten big.”
Because, see, I’ve got this snapshot of him writhing on the floor burned in my brain and his current self is quite a lot bigger.
[If that depressed you, I’m sorry for not living up to my Facetiae code. I promise I’ll be silly again soon.]
But back to him being off the medicine. Of course we need to be extra-vigilant now. Okay, it’s a price I’m willing to pay. But ever since he’s seen Home Alone he thinks one of the coolest things to do is run and then plonk to his knees and slide on the floor. And when you’re not looking, the “plonk” sounds a lot like a drop seizure.
I need a pacemaker.
Also, epileptics often get an aura, which you can think of, I guess, as either a small seizure or as a warning feeling. He’s almost four, so getting him to understand that this is something to be aware of is, well, impossible. So I try to second-guess. The other day (when he had the fever), he said he heard Santa Claus – meaning a ringing in his ears. If you are like me, you’re thinking “aura.” If you’re a lot smarter, you’re thinking windchimes, and you’d be right.
Can you blame me for wanting a “normal” week?

Madge Monday postscript

Now that I’ve had some sleep, I’m not nearly as frustrated with the kids as yesterday.
In other words, now I find Madge’s post-nap statement amusing. Yesterday I felt like calling a lawyer and getting her to sign an affidavit saying, “Daddy was right. Again.”
After her nap – which was quite a struggle to initiate, but happen it did, around 3:30 pm – she said, without sarcasm, “Wow. Sleeping sure makes you feel a lot better.”
I take it back. Anybody know a good lawyer?

Question answered

And the annoying pop-up-like feature is taken off.
Trent voiced what I felt about the first few times I encountered that feature (go to www.snap.com if you want to find out more). I have since figured out how to avoid it showing up, but he's right. In general, the thing is annoying and not really helpful.
Thanks, T-Bone!

Quick question

I've added a little technological gimmick to my blog, but I'm not sure how people feel about it.
So, hey, please tell me.
Now, when you move your cursor over a link, a preview of the link ought to show up.
As in this example of a link to WWDTM's site.
Do you find this feature,
A) Cool and useful?
B) Annoying?
I am
C) not sure of its use but I can see how some people might enjoy the gimmick, yet I'm not sold on it so I might take it off unless people tell me they like it.
Please respond in the comments (or in an email to me). Your vote counts (and the process is easy, all you have to write is A or B - or C). And if you feel strongly, vote more than once, then your voice counts even more.

Madge Monday

Poor Madge. Julie is out of town for a week, and it’s really getting to Madge. The fact that Julie left early Saturday bothered her more than anything, I think.
On top of it all, she now has a fever (I believe it’s Coco’s from last week which is probably GrandJohn’s from the week before, but don’t tell or he’ll just feel guilty). So she’s home now, as is Coco because I don’t really know how to get him to school in the rain with a sick Madge in tow. She resents his being home, so everything is wonderful right now, thanks for asking.
It should get better soon, though. When the fever goes away, she’ll be more herself, I think. Of course I don’t know what came first, missing mommy or getting sick. Let’s just be optimistic and say it’s the sickness. (Is there a special ring in hell for parents who think that the better solution is a sick child? As the saying goes, a child in bed is worth two climbing the walls. Or some such thing.) Now I’ve got another problem. Should I give her some medicine and have her become more active (and demanding) or withhold the medicine and leave her a bit whiny, yet lethargic?
Oh don’t tell me, fellow parents, that you haven’t relished having a sick child on your hands who stays in bed and out of your hair.
But, oh, the guilt.
Medicine it is.

Me on Crunch again

Here I am again, rhyming about tech stuff.

Aphorisms

Aphoristic observations:

People who seem arrogant may just be shy.
People who seem aloof may just be hiding their slow wit.
People who write aphorisms are overcompensating.

The other day I was walking with Coco on my shoulders (again – my spine has been compacted by at least 3/8ths of an inch by now) and we passed a mother of a friend of his, a school friend. Now, it was school time and Coco wasn’t at school so a question about his well-being, I think, was in order.
But no, she looked ahead and ignored us completely. She’s been “aloof” before, but in other contexts and I’ve always figured it was because we don’t speak Spanish with Coco even though he’s in the Spanish class and she speaks Spanish with her kid.
That day, though, I was able to see her face better and she had a bit of nervousness about her and I realized that my previous evaluation may have been wrong.
This reminded me of times I was at a pool when I still took out my contacts to go swimming rather than wear goggles and later got confronted by friends who were at the pool, claiming I ignored them. I never ignored anyone I recognized, I swear. But everyone turns into a flesh-colored blur at the pool and I put on a vaguely friendly, yet blank, smile when I can’t see anything. So there.
Then I thought of another mom at the school who, well, let’s face it, she’s kind of pretty so she knows people do things for her, and she covers for everything with a quick, sprite-like laugh, and she’s always preoccupied with her kids, so her reluctance to engage in conversation always seemed like a bit of aloofness. Obviously I’m not even in the same league as the average bus-driver, so I figure it’s justified arrogance on her part an leave it at that. Then one day I did have a conversation with her, and, oops, I realized that the nearsightedness she’s adjusting for is intellectual.
But I’m just projecting now because I’m on a caffeine jolt and sugar high. Give me a half-hour and I’ll be assured it’s all because they hate me. Who wouldn’t?

No Parking Mo-Su

This article about parking in SF includes some choice nuggets.
Let’s get the ugle part out of the way first. Someone got killed saving a parking space for a friend. And assaults on meter butlers and maids have risen from 17 in 2005 to 28 in 2006. So something is obviously wrong. Still – and I guess the threat of violence makes it bizarrely funny to me – there’s this:

That frustration extends all the way to people like George Anderson, president of the American Association of Anger Management Providers, a mental health group, who said the parking problems here were so notorious that he had stopped holding paid lectures here.
“They’d be angry when they walked in,” said Mr. Anderson, a clinical social worker who lives in Los Angeles. “I’d spend half my time defending why I couldn’t include parking in the fee.”

Actually, they should hold the classes in a bus in congested traffic merging onto one of the bridges, only to have the tollbooth close right as they get there. Better yet, whenever someone feels ready to quit the anger-management course, that individual should be made to drive the class bus for a week, and the final exam is finding a place to park, downtown.

Then there’s this,

Nationally, parking is a $20 billion industry, experts say, with revenues divided almost equally between public and private entities.

Which reminds me of an idea I had while running. (You might notice that I develop most of my lame-brained ideas while exercising. That’s because I think they’re great precisely because I can’t write them down to look at and evaluate.)
Simply combine two problems for a lovely solution. Problem A: parking is impossible. Problem B: renting cars is way too expensive.
Solution: the department of transportation should rent cars. Simply take cars that have been impounded and not picked up in, say, a week, fix them up (the police department has its own mechanics, I think) and let them loose. Parking penalties should be much stricter, of course, resulting in impounds almost immediately in order increase the amount of cars available. And, finally, as special gimmick, a car rented from the department of transportation/the police comes with it’s own “free parking” certificate, for a fee, of course.
You’d probably end up with a crappy car, but you could double-park anywhere.
In order to avoid traffic congestion, the meter butlers and maids would ride in teams and double as valets. You’d get contacted on your cell phone and given a number to call for the car to be returned.
I’m sure the legislation could be arranged as long as there’s a proper bribery-scheme in place.
Just think of all the jobs it would create.

Roy, with quote

This time I'll link to Roy's Friday blog with a quote. Speaking of watching Saddam's hanging on YouTube, he says,

Didn't it make you wonder how you would behave on the gallows? It's a real test for a funny person. I would do all I could to keep it light, but I don't know — I hope I'd be up to that. I'll bet the President would be — that chuckle of his comes out at the darnedest times. He'd be nicknaming the hangman "Stretch."

Coco Quickie

Today Madge had a playdate and they always start rockily because Coco really wants her attention when she gets out of school. Or if not hers, then that of whichever friend she's playing with.
At one point this afternoon, in the midst of a Baci-jealousy-battle, Coco started going, "Waah, waah," and ran to his room. It's really "their" room, but once one of them claims it as a sanctuary for tears, tiredness, or a time out, it becomes that kid's room I figure.
Anyway, I followed him and sat with him and he said, "How I cry?"
I didn't know what to say.
Then he said, "I can't make water."
In other words, he's working out how to perfect his fake crying.
Great.

V Fable

The Vulture and the Violinist

A vulture was waiting for the subway and heard a violinist.
He lurched over and camped out expectantly, for the busking violinist was in bad shape.
The vulture loved it. The clothes were ragged, so his beak would be able to nibble without wrestling with fabric, the body was lean, sure, but musicians tend not to be wiry but soft and supple, as they rarely get any exercise.
In short, this was a meal to be savored, and the pre-dinner entertainment wasn’t too bad, either.
For some reason, though, the violinist wouldn’t keel over and the vulture got to listening to the music.
Sure enough – it must have been Bach’s suites for solo violin that did it – the vulture soon lost his fleshly appetite and yearned for more spiritual things. (I was a music major for a reason, after all.)
So the vulture went and brought the violinist some lunch.
“I can always come back later,” he said.

Wisdom

Just re-heard some great Hank Williams lyrics and happened to be online, so I'm sharing:

No matter how I struggle and strive,

I'll never get out of this world alive.

Draw your own conclusions.

Compare and contrast

When people say, “Don’t you wish they’d stay like this forever?” they’re just commenting on how lovely the moment is. But one family has taken it one step further.
Sure, there are plenty of other factors involved. In essence, though, is it that much different from creating blue dogs just for the fun of it?

Presidential plans

The Daily News had this cover (which won't upload, for some reason, sorry. check back later. Something about Presidential Plans Left in Hotel Room), which struck my eye at the grocery store this afternoon. The New York Times has this headline somewhere in the paper: Political Paper Stolen, Giuliani Camp Says.
Okay, reply the Daily News people, so maybe it was left in a hotel room that Giuliani never stayed in, and maybe it was left by people we paid to bring us said papers, but our headline is 100% true.
When I read the headline, I didn’t think it was big news that Giuliani was going to try for a presidential bid. Silly me. And, because of my assumptions, I was wondering what might be in the document. Plan A: get the most votes. Plan B: swing an electoral college thing, maybe combined with Supreme Court support.
Turns out the plan is 140 pages long. Of course I forgot the most important plan. Raise funds. Raise more funds and raise some funds and just for kicks, raise some funds. That runs on for about 139 pages. Then comes the stuff about winning votes.
Oh, yeah, and something about the ex-wife and the former aide. So maybe just a paragraph about winning some votes, hopefully the majority. But if not, that’s not a problem, as history has shown.

The cheese

You never know what people find funny. My favorite cheese guy in the neighborhood, Juan, from Union Market, found this funny.
I asked him where the Vigneron was and he told me that the last piece was on the shelf and he’d reorder some soon. Vigneron, you’ve got to try it if you haven’t. It’s a Swiss cheese. Mild. Good flavor. Nothing biting to it. The marketing sticker says something about a winemaker’s cheese, rubbed in herbs and wine or some such. But not as strongly oenic (winely?) as a drunken goat cheese – more like a happy cow’s cheese (but not la vache qui rit). Anyway, it’s great and I mourn its absence from the cheese-monger’s shelves, though I’m happy I’m the one who caused its absence.
Get it if you can.
I told him that mine was gone because I put too much wine in our New Year’s fondue and had to compensate with whatever was in the fridge (and would match, of course – no string cheese or cheddar). I had planned a lovely Gruyere/Emmental with a touch of Appenzeller, but then I had to use the rest of the Gruyere and more of the Appenzeller and when I was out I had to touch my stash of Vigneron.
Juan thought funny. Perhaps it was in the way I reenacted my cheese panic and ensuing reluctance to part with my baby – I was at the store when his shipment came and he let me and Coco taste it fresh from the box. Even Coco liked it.
I’d have a piece now, but it doesn’t go with one of my resolutions – don’t you love the fresh beginnings of a new year?
I was at the gym tonight, and there was a guy who was one-upping me: he was pedaling a stationary bike AND reading Proust.
But only in English.
And, hah, I’ve just added another resolution. I’ll only do one thing at a time.
If possible.

More of me

And then, of course, there's my weekly techie poem.
Enjoy.

Madge Monday

Madge managed to stay up all the way to 11:30 pm on New Year’s Eve. Not bad. (Julie had fallen asleep before then, but pssssst don’t tell.)
I tried to get her to make some resolutions for herself and for me. She got the idea, but rather than focusing on things to improve about herself, she said her resolution was to play on the computer more. I believe that she is resolved to do so. Grrr.
But, when pressed, she said she wanted to be less of a baby. Poor thing.
Here’s what I noticed, though. Some of my resolutions involve trying to improve the kids. A natural impulse as a parent, I think. But, really, shouldn’t I leave that up to them if they want to be less baby-ish. Ah, the many conundrums.
Madge was generous about the resolutions, though. She said they didn’t start until people went back to work and to school.
So guess who had extra helpings of apple pie?

Coco Tuesday

I hope to catch up soon with a regular schedule. First, a quick Coco Tuesday.

This morning the cat threw up. Not a big deal, really. He’d just eaten and Coco chased him around the apartment for a while and the cat’s little tummy couldn’t handle the extra work-load, I think.
Seeing it, though, Coco came up with an exclamation I hadn’t heard him use before. And, quite frankly, I think I’ll start using it, too, instead of the tired copulative, excretory, and religious ones I ordinarily employ.
He said, “Oh, barnacles!”

Maybe we’ve been letting him watch Pirates of the Caribbean too often.